Monday Night, August 6

Jay Leno

Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”

Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.

According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.

David Letterman

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Conan O'Brien

Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.

This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.

The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”

In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.


Ferguson

Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .

Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.

Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!

Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!

Jimmy Kimmel

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Friday Night, August 3

Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isn’t this ridiculous! Shouldn’t we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?

Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout.

The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man

Researchers at the University of Texas have come up with 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills came up with 100 million reasons why . . .


David Letterman

Hot today. So hot, Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning.

So hot, earlier tonight on his show, Larry King was wearing only suspenders.

One wonders what he was holding up.

On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So, you have him to thank for New York’s criminal justice system.


Conan O'Brien

Britney Spears is in trouble again. She took her 22-month-old son to the dentist to have his teeth whitened. Britney defended herself by saying, "It was either have his teeth whitened or stop giving him coffee and cigarettes.”

The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of wine in Brad Pitt’s face during an argument, and they’re thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she’ll get the kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids from Africa, South America, and Greenland.

A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the 94 year old, except her student loan officer.

Donald Trump is coming out with bedroom furniture. He says his bed is special; it automatically kicks your wife out when she turns 30.

Ferguson


Today’s a great day for music fans. Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago. Three days of rebellion, drugs, and corporate sponsorship.

Iggy Pop is playing there. I love Iggy! He just turned 60. [Shows a photo of Iggy Pop with whole body looking very wrinkled.] Human beef jerky.

Jennifer Lopez has a movie out called "El Cantante.” "El Cantante is Spanish for "'The Simpson’s' movie is sold out so let’s go into that movie.”

It’s my mother’s birthday today! Happy birthday Mother. It’s also Martha Stewart’s birthday. They don’t have anything in common . . . except the jail time.

Jimmy Kimmel

This morning on "Good Morning America,” Nicole Richie sat down for an interview with Diane Sawyer to talk about her arrest and her pregnancy. She said the hardest call she had to make was to her dad Lionel Richie. And not because she was worried about telling him, but apparently he can’t answer the phone without singing the entire song, "Alone.”

Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole. I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you could own things. But then they invented lawyers and everything changed.

They’ve laid claim to all the oil and natural gas underneath the North Pole, but it also means they’ve laid claim to the most wonderfully festive place in the world: Santa’s house.

Thursday Night, August 2

Jay Leno

The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13.

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction . . .

Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room,” featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing?

The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip! Road trip!

David Letterman


Hot down in Washington D.C. So hot, Abe Lincoln was sitting in the Reflecting Pool.

It was so hot that NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting.

Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on.

Conan O'Brien


Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.”

Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage.

This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles.

In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort.

Ferguson


Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There’s a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. Here’s my big chance! Call me Brad . . .

The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women.

Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over!

Jimmy Kimmel


It’s a big night for baseball here in California. Barry bonds, the balloon-headed slugger, continues to chase Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record. It would be oddly appropriate for him to break that number here in L.A., because almost everyone here is artificially enhanced too.

Elton John told a newspaper in London that the Internet is killing creativity and should be shut down. Imagine that. We’d have to go back to drawing our own pornography.

Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to say "OPP” anymore

Funny as Ever - David Letterman

David Letterman is the host of the 'Late Show with David Letterman'.

The show airs in the United States at 11:35 pm Eastern/Pacific time, but is recorded Mondays at 4:30 PM and 7:00 PM, Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 5:30 PM, and Thursdays at 4:30 PM. The second Monday episode usually airs on Friday of that week (the show had previously recorded the Friday episodes on Thursdays).

During the act one or Introduction of the show, Letterman cracks some jokes during his monologue which is usually based on current events, pop culture and politics.

Before reading the Ten Top Lists, a series of brief skecthes comedy bits is presented which often consist of humorous commercials, disclaimers, video clips, or props.

Today, find below a collection of the 'greatest' great moments in presidentials Speeches....

*** I encourage all my readers to comment on or suggest monolgues. Let's laugh out loud!!!

Great Moments In Presidential Speeches

Wednesday Night, August 1

Jay Leno

It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice.

I was sweating like Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he had to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

It’s Wednesday. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it, "my humps” day.

According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. And people feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. And I think there’s something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled-up sock in his pants.

David Letterman

Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker.

It was so hot today, Michael Vick was organizing penguin fights.

So hot today, Rupert Murdoch purchased Dairy Queen.

There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president.

Conan O'brien

The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton today. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day.

The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups.

A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America.

The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.”

Ferguson


Not such a great day if you live in the North Pole. The Russians are saying the North Pole belongs to them. I say give it to them! It’s melting anyway. Soon it will just be ocean. Ocean with huge reserves of oil underneath.

Here’s what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt. Why is that illegal? Where I am from, if you see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a skirt, you say, "Good morning, Grandpa!”

They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky!

Jimmy Kimmel


They’ve been searching far and wide for a new co-host for "The View” since Rosie O’Donnell bit somebody and the audience had to be put to sleep.

The Spears-Federline marriage is now officially over. The papers went through. She actually did something sane this week, that means.

Federline’s timing is impeccable. He got in while she was all cute and bubbly, and got out before she turned into Andy Dick.

Nicole Richie has confirmed that she is indeed pregnant, which explains why she has gotten so fat.

Tuesday Night, July 31

Jay Leno


It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless.

The Washington Post criticized Sen. Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. That’s seems sexist to me. They never went after Sen. Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing.

A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right.

He’s our most important judge after Simon Cowell.


David Letterman


So hot today, I was sweating like a poodle at Michael Vick’s place.

So hot, Dick Cheney implanted a pacemaker and an icemaker.

It was so hot, the astronauts were drinking frozen margaritas.

Talk about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks. Folks down in Washington say they haven’t seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy.

Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Signs President Bush Needs A Vacation

10. Ordered a full-scale invasion of Turks and Caicos
9. Staffers found him having a conversation with a coat rack
8. Asked CIA director to have Jason Bourne join hunt for Osama
7. Hasn't stopped sobbing since he was passed over for "The Price is Right"
6. Has only seen the new Harry Potter movie four times
5. Only seems half as Bushy as usual
4. Instead of signing bills, now licks 'em
3. So overworked he's pronouncing words correctly. Boo-ya!
2. He's been drinking like an astronaut
1. Hasn't given Laura the ol' "veto" in months


Conan O'Brien


Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney.

Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down."

According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel.

In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War."

Ferguson


It’s a great day for job-seekers in America. Puff Daddy put an ad for an assistant on YouTube. He isn’t the only one looking for an assistant. Donald Trump offered Rosie O’Donnell 2 million bucks to be on "The Apprentice.” I know Rosie, and she would not sell her dignity for 2 million bucks to a short-fingered Bulgarian wearing a badger on his head.

She wouldn’t, but I would.

You can write your name on me Donald. For 50 bucks you can write your name on my ass. I don’t care.

Jimmy Kimmel


I have to congratulate Larry King. A lot of these younger guys on CNN get a lot of credit for going to places where they put themselves in the line of fire to get a story, but Larry King, you’d think he’d be scared to sit down with Vice President Dick Cheney. I mean, this is a guy who has a record of shooting old men in the face.

Hillary Clinton showed a little cleavage during a speech on the Senate floor a couple of weeks ago, and some people think she’s doing it to show some feminimity. Hillary didn’t want to hear anything about it. She called the observation grossly inappropriate. Who would have ever thought a controversy involving Clinton and cleavage would involve Hillary!

Star Jones has announced after years of secrecy, the way she lost all her weight was having gastric bypass surgery. She went from a size 26 to a size six. I honestly never quite believed her original explanation which was that "a dingo ate my body fat.”

Monday Night, July 30

Jay Leno

Here’s some good political gossip. It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant, barely speaking to each other, and now when they do, it’s really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, marriage.

Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry.

Here in L.A., people boo Barry. You know why? Because we here in L.A., we don’t like any kind of performance enhancement . . . nothing phony in L.A . . . we don’t like it. We won’t stand for anything phony in this town.

It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex.

David Letterman


Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands.

Iraq now has a championship team, so we can go home, right?

Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde.

How about the astronauts flying drunk? Here’s a sign your astronaut is flying drunk: Before liftoff, he runs a systems check on the blender.

Conan O'Brien


The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown met with President Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, "That guy’s hilarious.”

Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.

Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”

Britney Spears is in trouble. Britney Spears may have violated California law because she took her kids out of the state without written permission from Kevin Federline. Britney explained, "Sorry, I didn’t have time for Kevin to learn how to write.”

Ferguson

Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California.

I had a good weekend. I went to Toronto. They have the "Just for Laughs” festival. Peter Ustinov used to say that Toronto was like New York run by the Swiss. Which I think is unfair. Unfair to Toronto because the Swiss are bastards. With their cheese, and their coockoo clocks, and their Swiss Army knives . . . . no wonder they’re neutral. Who are you going to scare with that little knife?

I went to this great hotel, the Germain Hotel. It was mobbed with people for the festival. So I signed under a name that no one would recognize: Craig Ferguson.

Jimmy Kimmel

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Friday Night, July 27

Jay Leno

A panel investigating NASA found "a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches.” On at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated they actually posed a health risk. Isn’t that unbelievable? Drinking. That’s why they call it the Kennedy Space Center.

They said today on one mission, the astronauts were so drunk they were actually wearing their diapers on their heads.

More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain’s media team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign’s new media spokesman, John McCain.

The New York City Department of Aging is now giving free condoms to senior citizens. So good news for Regis.

David Letterman

The city is finally fixing that [Lexington Avenue] crater. Thank God they removed that tow truck. They also found Jimmy Hoffa.

The explosion was very big. Now, experts are learning many of our rats are suffering partial hearing loss.

So hot outside my cab driver was fanning himself with his forged visa.

So hot Chuck and Larry moved in with Ben and Jerry.

Conan O'Brien
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Ferguson


"The Simpsons” movie opens today. It’s very controversial because apparently Bart Simpson has a nude scene. Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons, describes it as a "tasteful oblong.”

For publicity, they’ve turned about a dozen 7-Elevens into Kwik-e Marts. They’ve used this marketing strategy for movies before: For the "Harold & Kumar” movie they turned parking lots into White Castle restaurants, and for the last three "Star Wars” movies they turned a great franchise into crap.

Cartoon characters can go on forever. All you need is the actors who do the voices. Bart Simpson’s voice isn’t even done by a guy. It’s done by a woman named Nancy Cartwright. She also, by the way, does the voice for soccer star David Beckham.

Jimmy Kimmel


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