Thursday Night, July 19

Jay Leno
The Iraqi government has met eight, only eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. Eight. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has done. Can anyone name eight things Congress has done?

According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low — 14 percent of people approve of Congress. And that’s just the hookers who work for the D.C. madam.

Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate — it will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that!


David Letterman
Not too far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded. Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New Yorkers. Here’s what happened: A fat guy, he sees what’s going on, he gets undressed and takes a steam.

Right there in the middle of the street, there’s a 15-by-20-foot crater. Right in the middle of Lexington Avenue. But don’t worry; by tomorrow, it’ll have a Starbucks.

Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Things
10. Popcorn shrimp
9. Shark Week
8. Balm
7. Snake venom antidote
6. Tommy Lasorda
5. Telemundo
4. Cole slaw
3. Season one of "Magnum P.I." on DVD
2. Fudge
1. Jessica Biel


Conan O'Brien
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010!

A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.”

MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive.


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.

Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now; he’s been released from the Cleveland Children’s hospital.
He’s now back home resting comfortably in a hollow tree.

He must have eaten out of the wrong bird feeder . . . he is a vegan.

Wednesday Night, July 18

Jay Leno
Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.

Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out.
Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”

A report card of Iraq shows progress in only eight of 18 areas. Of course, President Bush is thrilled. That’s the best report card he ever got in his life.


David Letterman
Hurricane warning for New York City — whoa! Earlier today, workmen were busy boarding up Donald Trump’s hair.

We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water.

Last night in D.C. they had that all night Senate session. It was the D.C. madam’s slowest night ever.

It was an eventful busy session . . . Barack Obama dozed for 15 minutes and raised another 10 million.


Conan O'Brien
Last night the Senate held an all night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn’t begin with, "Where the hell have you been?”

President Bush announced a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It’s fun to work on a problem I didn’t cause.”

Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems.


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J.K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday in connection with some vicious dog fights that allegedly went on at a house he owned in Virginia. Some of these dogs were executed. Michael says he was just following Bob Barker’s lead trying to control the pet population.

Let’s not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him.

It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer’s Frozen Fruit as one of Oprah’s favorite things. I guess their names are so similar she thought she was supporting herself for president.

Tuesday Night, July 17

Jay Leno
Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure.

At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted he had been involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters. The working men and working girls of Louisiana.

He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech.

In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.


David Letterman
In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds.

Everyone in New York City has Harry Potter fever. Today a guy on the subway was showing off his wand.

How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver.
And a babysitter.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Titles Of My Recent Blog Entries
10. My big decision: hair plugs or hairpiece
9. A summary of today's hate mail
8. Fun places to take off your pants
7. 101 reasons why chocolate is better than men — am I right, ladies?
6. Ways to take down a gator
5. Tuesdays with Shecky 4. Rick, the creepy intern who won't stop staring at me
3. Are you there, God? It's me, Dave
2. Monkeys or kitties — which is cuter?
1. How is Scott Baio still single?!?!


Conan O'Brien
The U.S. Senate is planning on holding a session on Capitol Hill that’s going to last all night. All night session. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, "Hillary won’t be home until when?”

According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republican voters is "none of the above.” At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third just behind "Good Lord, not him.”

In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding.

It has been reported that Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend is a T-shirt designer. He’s the guy who designed the T-shirt, "I’m With Skanky.”


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
We are now seen in more than 13 cities nationwide. We are chewing through the South like a bucket of boll weevils.

David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England last week. She’s the former Spice Girl, he’s the famous soccer player. I guess we’re supposed to be excited about this, even though we don’t care about soccer or the Spice Girls.

The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250 million to sign him. They’re hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15 years no one will be watching soccer either.

Monday Night, July 16

Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Colter just to cool off.

Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter.

And a video tape? Would it kill him to put out a DVD?

In Des Moines Iowa, former President Bill Clinton said he is backing his wife because she is the most qualified and not be cause of any spousal obligation. And believe me, if there’s one guy who’s not swayed by spousal obligation, it’s Bill Clinton.


David Letterman
So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce.

So hot here in the city, earlier today, out on Broadway, everyone on the top deck of the tour bus was naked.

So hot that Lindsay Lohan checked herself out of rehab and into a Dairy Queen.

Here’s good news: The Pope will be visiting New York City next spring. He will be addressing the United Nations, then he’ll perform an exorcism at "The View.”


Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now
10. Knitting sweaters for my bulldogs Paris and Lindsay
9. Calling Regis Philbin and hanging up
8. Promoting my new line of jewelry on QVC
7. Horse play
6. Just coolin' with shorties, drinking some forties
5. Laminating clips and ticket stubs for my Carol Channing scrapbook
4. Wasting CBS airtime (oh wait, I am already doing that)
3. Lecturing teens on the dangers of online poker
2. Enjoying a chuckle over Jay's "Headlines"
1. Quietly sleeping, like our audience


Conan O'Brien
The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on corruption charges. If he’s found guilty he’ll have to serve five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark.

In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it’s available in Havana on eight-track tape.

The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice.

On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud. They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were kicked off somewhere over Kansas.


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Friday Night, July 13

Jay Leno
The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!

Here is another sex scandal. It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives, and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a guy named Bob Allen, has been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He also performed a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good ole days when during campaigns you only had to kiss babies?

According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a golf nut. She’s pretty good too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq.
Former President Bill Clinton about to publish a new book called "Giving.” "Giving.” Shouldn’t getting be the name of his new book?


David Letterman
It’s summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out to the water park to catch E. coli.

I love New York City in the summer time. Where else could you spend $25 on a sweat shirt?

Have you ever been to Spain, to Pamplona for the running of the bulls? New York City doesn’t really have anything like that, except that one time Donald Trump was out on Broadway being chased by Rosie O’Donnell.

The hookers on Times Square are offering a Friday the 13th special: For an extra 50 bucks, you’re guaranteed to get lucky.


Conan O'Brien
Pageant officials say that Miss New Jersey won’t be punished despite posing for embarrassing photos. Officials said living with the title Miss New Jersey is punishment enough.

This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burqas are in.

This week in Alaska, a man received four years' probation for illegally cutting off 100 seals’ penises. He got four years probation. His sentence would have been harsher, but the prosecution couldn’t find a seal brave enough to testify against him.


Ferguson
It’s Friday the 13th! If you’re a sexy teenager camping by a lake with other sexy teenagers, get out.

The guy in the hockey mask is not a goalie!

Webster’s announced the new words that are going to be in next year’s dictionary. One of them is ginormous. Ginormous! There’s not going to be a definition, just a picture. [Presents a picture of Jack Nicholson shirtless and overweight.]

Jack Nicholson . . . Do you know what I love about Jack? He’s old, he’s fat, and he doesn’t give a crap.


Jimmy Kimmel
It’s Friday the 13th. I hope you bought something nice for the machete-wielding killer in your life.

Another debate last night among Democratic candidates for president. Still only 479 days till the election, everybody. Get ready.

Just as the debate was rapping up, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton started talking, and I guess they didn’t realize their mikes were still on. Here’s what was said [Edwards’ voice dubbed in]: "Hey Hillary, you need to call Maurice of Beverly Hills. Look at my hair, so luxurious so full. Tell him John Edwards sent you.”

The president’s approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi.