Thursday Night, August 2
Jay Leno
The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13.
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction . . .
Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room,” featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing?
The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip! Road trip!
David Letterman
Hot down in Washington D.C. So hot, Abe Lincoln was sitting in the Reflecting Pool.
It was so hot that NBA ref was fixing hockey games.
The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting.
Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on.
Conan O'Brien
Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.”
Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage.
This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles.
In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort.
Ferguson
Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There’s a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. Here’s my big chance! Call me Brad . . .
The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women.
Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over!
Jimmy Kimmel
It’s a big night for baseball here in California. Barry bonds, the balloon-headed slugger, continues to chase Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record. It would be oddly appropriate for him to break that number here in L.A., because almost everyone here is artificially enhanced too.
Elton John told a newspaper in London that the Internet is killing creativity and should be shut down. Imagine that. We’d have to go back to drawing our own pornography.
Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to say "OPP” anymore
Labels: Late nights laughs