Tuesday Night, June 26

Jay Leno
Another scorcher here, today in Los Angeles. I tell you, it was so hot illegal immigrants were going through us just to get to Alaska.

It was so hot, today, Al Gore went, "See!”

I was sweatin’ like Larry King trying to come up with simple enough questions to ask Paris Hilton. That’s how hot.

Paris is free ladies and gentlemen. She was let out of jail last night. Now she has a record. She has a record. Which sounds bad, but it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as her CD. But the record is bad.


Dave Letterman
So hot today, the hookers in Times Square were handing out frozen condoms.

So hot Jason Giambi tested positive for gelato.

It’s so hot, Michael Moore went to Iceland for healthcare.

It was so hot today that Hillary Clinton went to the beach in a one-piece pantsuit.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Surprising Facts About Dick Cheney
10. Every morning eats a case of Slim Jims
9. Shares three heart attack anniversaries with Larry King
8. Sent Paris cigarettes and nylons while she was in stir
7. Went bald at age 12
6. In 1983, he accidentally shot himself in the nuts
5. Wrote pilot for ABC: "Let's Torture Mick Jagger" show
4. Is the only member of the Bush administration to have seen Ford and Nixon naked
3. Banned from D.C. area IHOPs
2. Spends bulk of his time yelling at White House visitors to "get off the lawn"
1. Made half a dozen adult films under the name "Chain Dickey"


Conan O'Brien
Rerun


Ferguson
Paris has been liberated. Didn’t we go through this like three weeks ago? She’s finished her sentence, she has been rehabilitated. Now she can go back to doing — whatever the hell she does. What does she do?

The world has changed while Paris was in jail. When she went in, "Pirates of the Caribbean” was the No. 1 movie. Now it’s the No. 3 movie. How is she going to cope?

She actually drew her self-portrait . . . It’s pretty good, but she gave herself big eyes. She looks like a cartoon character. She’s like the SpongeBob Squarepants of . . . crap. "Who lives in a prison cell under the sea? Paris Hilton.”


Kimmel
Rerun

Monday Night, June 25

Jay Leno
What a hot day today! I was sweating like Eddie Murphy on Father’s Day.

It was so hot today, Kobe Bryant said he wanted to be traded to a hockey team.

The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking about running for president again. Nader says he rejects the term "spoiler.” Still a lot better than "loser.”

Paris Hilton will do her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They’re billing it as "cranky meets skanky.”


Dave Letterman
How great is summer time in New York City! Everything is festive. All the potholes are full of dip.

Yesterday was the annual Gay Pride parade here in New York City. The parade seemed very long. Here’s why: The parade marchers kept stopping to redecorate the store windows.
Saddam Hussein’s buddy Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death. I feel bad for his wife, Chemical Shirley.


Conan
Rerun


Ferguson
We’re out of power as you can tell. I don’t know what happened . . . maybe Katie Couric left her hair dryer on or something.

Maybe we blew a fuse trying to cryogenically freeze Bob Barker.

Gov. Schwarzenegger has declared this show a disaster area. Unfortunately he did that before the power went out.

Over the weekend, I went to Venice Beach. I went into the ocean, got hit by a wave, and the ocean pulled my trunks completely off. And then threw me onto the beach, naked. And I think, "Well, this is not so bad. Maybe a 'Baywatch' lifeguard will come over and save me. Next thing I know, I’m getting mouth-to-mouth by David Hasselhoff. Ahhh, the taste of hamburger and whiskey.


Kimmel
Rerun

Friday Night, June 22

Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Matthew McConaughey had a reason to run around without a shirt on.

It was so hot today, Paris Hilton was rubbing ice cubes on her chest even when the guards weren’t watching.

According to US Weekly, Paris Hilton does not read the books in the jail library. You know why? Because they’re books!

President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn’t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of it.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.”

Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds.

They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens.

This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze.


Ferguson
There was a new study released this week that listed the most environmentally friendly corporations in the world. One of the corporations that came in last place was CBS. It’s true. We just beat the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.

CBS has asked me to cut down on my gas emissions. They’ll have to take my burrito from my cold, dead hands.

Today is the day for the 2007 Ugliest Dog competition. It’s a real contest. I’m not making it up. The favorite to win this year is a strange mixed breed from New York. This is an ugly creature. [Picture of Donald Trump.]

To be fair to Trump, he’s not the one entering the contest. It’s just the thing on his head.


Kimmel
Rerun

Thursday Night, June 21

Jay Leno
I guess you’ve heard by now . . . there’s a video of Kobe Bryant trashing his fellow Lakers. The good news? This is the first evidence that Kobe’s even aware there’s other members on the team.

It was announced this week that Hillary Clinton has finally picked a theme song for her campaign. Now if she can just pick out a position on Iraq. That would be great. We could move on.

Hillary Clinton has picked "You and I” by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. And in a related story, John McCain’s campaign song is also by Celine Dion — it’s the theme from "Titanic.”

In Dubai, officials say they want to become the next Orlando. They say the oil money will dry up and they want to build a giant Middle East theme park. They say it’ll be just like Disneyland. The only difference is that every half hour when Prince Charming kisses Snow White, they’ll both be stoned to death for immodesty.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, "I could never find it.”

Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs "The Sopranos.” Hillary’s calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health.

It’s been reported that "Nightmare on Elm street” Director Wes Craven is suing Pauly Shore. That’s right — the man who gave you nightmares is being sued by Wes Craven.


Ferguson
Great day for Rosie O’Donnell. She’s meeting with producers of "The Price Is Right” and being considered for Bob Barker’s replacement. They’re also considering Drew Carrey. It’s a dilemma for me. I don’t know who to root for. I’m friends with both of them. They both should get the job. They could share clothes.

I’ve known them both for quite some time. I’ve never seen them in the same room together though . . . Could it be?

NBC is going to pay Paris Hilton a million bucks for a first interview when she gets out of the slammer. A million bucks! I’d spend 23 days in jail for a million damn dollars! I’d spend 23 days in jail for the company.

I’d go to find an audience, that’s why I’d go.


Kimmel
Rerun