Monday Night, August 6

Jay Leno

Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”

Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.

According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.

David Letterman

Rerun

Conan O'Brien

Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.

This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.

The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”

In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.


Ferguson

Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .

Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.

Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!

Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!

Jimmy Kimmel

Rerun

Friday Night, August 3

Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isn’t this ridiculous! Shouldn’t we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?

Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout.

The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man

Researchers at the University of Texas have come up with 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills came up with 100 million reasons why . . .


David Letterman

Hot today. So hot, Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning.

So hot, earlier tonight on his show, Larry King was wearing only suspenders.

One wonders what he was holding up.

On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So, you have him to thank for New York’s criminal justice system.


Conan O'Brien

Britney Spears is in trouble again. She took her 22-month-old son to the dentist to have his teeth whitened. Britney defended herself by saying, "It was either have his teeth whitened or stop giving him coffee and cigarettes.”

The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of wine in Brad Pitt’s face during an argument, and they’re thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she’ll get the kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids from Africa, South America, and Greenland.

A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the 94 year old, except her student loan officer.

Donald Trump is coming out with bedroom furniture. He says his bed is special; it automatically kicks your wife out when she turns 30.

Ferguson


Today’s a great day for music fans. Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago. Three days of rebellion, drugs, and corporate sponsorship.

Iggy Pop is playing there. I love Iggy! He just turned 60. [Shows a photo of Iggy Pop with whole body looking very wrinkled.] Human beef jerky.

Jennifer Lopez has a movie out called "El Cantante.” "El Cantante is Spanish for "'The Simpson’s' movie is sold out so let’s go into that movie.”

It’s my mother’s birthday today! Happy birthday Mother. It’s also Martha Stewart’s birthday. They don’t have anything in common . . . except the jail time.

Jimmy Kimmel

This morning on "Good Morning America,” Nicole Richie sat down for an interview with Diane Sawyer to talk about her arrest and her pregnancy. She said the hardest call she had to make was to her dad Lionel Richie. And not because she was worried about telling him, but apparently he can’t answer the phone without singing the entire song, "Alone.”

Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole. I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you could own things. But then they invented lawyers and everything changed.

They’ve laid claim to all the oil and natural gas underneath the North Pole, but it also means they’ve laid claim to the most wonderfully festive place in the world: Santa’s house.