Thursday Night, July 12

Jay Leno
Boy, there are a lot of sex scandals in the news this week. It's unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles has admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network . . . whose job it was to cover him. She was supposed to cover him. Talk about being an embedded reporter.

The darling of the religious right, conservative Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. Today that crazy astronaut called him "my dream guy. He's got my vote.”

Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only deal with gay issues. Like gay marriage and things like that. They are calling it the first ever all musical presidential debate.

John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he's ever had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut. Other than that . . . he has no issues.


David Letterman
Beautiful weather today. So beautiful, down in Washington D.C., that senator from Louisiana took a couple of hookers to the park.

David Vitter, I think that's his name, has admitted he dates hookers in Washington D.C. and in Louisiana. He said in his defense, he always selected the girls who made the lowest bid. So he’s fiscally prudent.

President Bush was talking about Iraq today, and he said the United States and Iraq have made eight of the 18 benchmarks required in Iraq. If things don’t improve, people are going to start to think the war’s not going well.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Reasons To Be Happy
10. Cookies
9. Pluto no longer a planet
8. The upcoming ABC sitcom featuring those hilarious Geico cavemen
7. Mojitos!
6. Thanks to technological advances, some LensCrafters can now make glasses in about 55 minutes
5. Tony and Anna are one step closer to getting together on "Days of Our Lives"
4. Only three more items left on this list
3. Bite-size popcorn chicken shakers, for a limited time only at Arby's
2. Discount Mexican Viagra
1. Jessica Biel


Conan O'Brien
In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can’t stop laughing.

Later this summer, the first ever gay debate will be held. Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Question No. 1: Why can’t healthcare be more fabulous?
Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he opposed medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did say he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine.


Ferguson
Ryan Seacrest admitted that he cried last weekend at Eva Longoria’s wedding. He cried when Eva Longoria married NBA star Tony Parker. Hang in there Ryan, someday you’ll find someone just like Tony.

People who are using the iPods are getting hit by lightning! It only happens when you listen to James Blunt.

Frankly, if you’re listening to that, you deserve it.


Jimmy Kimmel
It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive.

I guess everyone’s going to the movies to stay cool, because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams, I think.

Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself. That’s so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is.

Wednesday Night, July 11

Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs proposed building a wall between the earth and the sun.

It was so hot, I saw a dog licking an ice cube, then licking himself.

It was so hot our mayor was having sex with a reporter from an Alaskan TV station.

Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush’s popularity has now plunged to 2 percent B.C. You know what that means, B.C.? Below Carter. It doesn’t get any worse than that.


David Letterman
Here’s some good news: Subway crime is down. So apparently, the troop surge is working.

It’s been weeks since I’ve been ridiculed for the contents of my briefcase by subway punks.

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized.

The couple has all the pipe bombs they need, what they could really use is a fondue set.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters
10. "Can you tell I have drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
9. "How do you like my al-Qaida t-shirt?"
8. "Wanna see me drop my pants and fire a rocket?"
7. "I once lived across the street from Maury Povich"
6. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty . . ."
5. "If you were a woman, I bet you'd be pretty"
4. "Are you a cop?" 3. "Hi, I'm Shecky" 2. "Anyone watch 'Letterman' last night?"
1. "Mind if I call you mommy?"


Conan O'Brien
A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids.

Next month, the Democratic presidential candidates will host a debate focused entirely on gay issues. Apparently in the gay debate, when one candidate disagrees with another, they’re required to begin the rebuttal with, "Girlfriend, paaleese.”

Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.


Ferguson
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who’s marrying his long-time girlfriend. I have to say . . . Charlie Sheen has a long-time girlfriend?

What constitutes long time here? "Well, it’s past six . . . "

Of course, the big news is the new Harry Potter movie comes out today. I’ve seen it. Spoiler alert! Harry Potter comes out of the closet.


Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Tuesday Night, July 10

Jay Leno
Does anyone have one of these new iPhones? It’s part of the new revolution in electronic entertainment. They say in a few years you will be able to watch any TV show anytime, anywhere. In fact, they say one day it will be possible for viewers to ignore NBC 24 hours a day.

Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician.

John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters.

Did you hear what happened today with Mayor Villaraigosa? I guess he tried to give someone the key to the city but it didn’t work because his wife had the locks changed.


David Letterman
Hot and miserable here in New York City today. It was 93 and unbearable. Just like Regis.

There are prostitutes in Washington D.C. and it turns out that senators and congressmen and important and powerful people are dating the prostitutes. There’s a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, who admitted that he’s been dating prostitutes, and he was very generous with one girl. He paid her with a new highway project in her home state.
At least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone.

They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years.


Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Words You Couldn't Say On Television 20 Years Ago
10. Nutmeat
9. Manhole
8. Dicker
7. Niblet
6. Titmouse
5. Pussyfoot
4. Aer Lingus
3. Angina
2. Dick Butkus
1. Ballcock


Conan O'Brien
President Bush hosted a town meeting-style event in Cleveland. During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq and strategies for getting out of Cleveland.

The other day Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground, Arkansas. For old times sake she stopped by the governor’s mansion and tore the guy a new one.

The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds.”


Ferguson
There’s a new study that says women are attracted to men with muscles. Oh, wow. Those scientists just get smarter and smarter.

There’s a heatwave in L.A. and all across the country. Some say global warming, some say that other mysterious phenomenon — summer.

That Washington D.C. madam has revealed her client list. Surprise surprise — the list includes some politicians. I didn’t think that when the Washington D.C. madam released the list of her clients that there’d be any politicians on it!


Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight for the first time ever, we are on in the city of Atlanta. For the four and half years we’ve been on, we’ve never been on in Atlanta. Can you imagine the suffering these people have been through?

This is our 894th show. For Atlanta, let me try to catch you up on the 893.

Kids are getting their first view of Harry Potter’s new movie, "Harry Potter Burns in Hell.” In the end, Lord Voldermort kills Harry with a very vicious atomic wedgie.

Jay Leno


It was hot today, wasn’t it? I’ll tell you I was sweating more than Bill Clinton looking at lingerie at Lane Bryant.

It so different living in Beverly Hills when it’s hot. It’s just different. Like the kids out here, when it gets hot, in my neighborhood they set up a lemonade tasting stand.

Did you see all those doctors last week involved in that terrorist attack at the Glasgow airport? How scary was that? You thought the docs at your HMO were bad.

Happy birthday to President Bush, who turned 61 on Friday. But since he’s the president, he had his age commuted down to 59.

David Letterman


Here’s how hot it is in New York City today. Over at St. Patrick’s, the holy water is whistling.

So hot down there in Washington, D.C., a chunk of ice fell off of Dick Cheney.

So hot Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler.

So hot Ted Williams said, "Who’s crazy now?”

Conan O'Brien


Earlier today a new list of the Seven Wonders of the World were unveiled and the list includes the Great wall of China, The Taj Mahal and the Coliseum in Rome. After seeing the list, President Bush asked, "What about Space Mountain?

This week, the city of Pamplona, Spain is hosting the annual running of the bulls. Or as the bulls call it, the annual trampling of the jerks.

Nicole Richie has finally confirmed that she is pregnant. Richie said she could tell she was pregnant when she started throwing up twice as often.

Miss New Jersey is claiming that someone has embarrassing photos of her and is trying to blackmail her. Apparently, the embarrassing photos show her in a sash that reads, "New Jersey."

Ferguson


Did you watch the Live Earth concert against global warming? Neither did I!

I was shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory, enjoying roast penguin.

James Hetfield of the band Metallica was detained at the airport in London because they thought he was a terrorist. James Hetfield!

Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

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