Thursday Night, June 14

Jay Leno
Happy Flag Day. This is, of course, the day when we fly a flag made in China, in a country that freed itself from England so one day it could become the home to 12 million Mexican immigrants.

Israel elected a new president. 83-year-old Shimon Peres. Surprisingly the deciding factor? The Jewish vote.

Finally some good news today. There has been a breakthrough compromise in the immigration bill that will make everyone happy — under the new bill we let in 12 million illegal immigrants but deport Paris Hilton.

In a jailhouse telephone interview with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said God has given her a second chance. Today God insisted that Paris didn’t get any special treatment.


Dave Letterman
Sunday is Father’s Day. The hookers in Times Square are doing their part. For an extra $20, they’ll call you Daddy.

Donald Trump is 61 years old today. He had a beautiful birthday cake — 87 stories tall with parking in Retail.
I got him a woodchuck so his hair would have a playmate.

More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may be suspended if he doesn’t answer questions about steroids. This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Things Overheard At Donald Trump's Birthday Party
10. "I hope the candles don't set fire to that thing on his head"
9. "Hey, the Dominos guy is here"
8. "Do I really have nothing better to be doing?"
7. "I'm suprised he showed up — usually Trump hates attention"
6. "Look, David Hasselhoff's eating cake off the floor" — this joke never gets old
5. "Who invited the guy with the drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
4. "It's my birthday, I'm a billionaire and you're telling me there's no 'slaw?!"
3. "Wow, a $10 gift card to Old Navy"
2. "Lindsay Lohan left rehab for this?"
1. "Letterman . . . sorry, no Letterman on the list"


Conan
Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news. Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group that if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, how about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite.

Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany.

Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail.


Ferguson
Earlier today, Barbara Walters got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Barbara, of course, had another "Star” about a year ago, but she fired that bitch.

There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered.

Most squirrels will only attack you if you provoke them. Like if you go for their nuts.
I have to say, I’m the same way. Normally very placid, but if you go for my nuts . . .


Kimmel
We’ve been hearing complaints from Paris’ fellow prisoners that her family has been getting special treatment, but according to recently released inmates, the special treatment has been trickling down to them. "We are getting special treatment because of her. We’re getting two peanut butter sandwiches, two jellies, two bologna sandwiches . . . we only get one usually.” Check me in.

It’s part of the Hilton Awards Program, I guess.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s planning her birthday party while she’s in there. She planning a big bash in a night club in Las Vegas. What a way to celebrate your sobriety.

How many "re’s” can you put in front of rehab?

Wednesday Night, June 13

Jay Leno
More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on.

Paris Hilton has now been without a man for six days. She’s broken George Michael’s old record.
Paris Hilton said in an interview with Barbara Walters that she will no longer act dumb. So apparently she’s taken a vow of silence.


Dave Letterman
June is for high school graduations and weddings. And here in New York City, many kids do both on the same day.

Bad time to be visiting New York City: Angry "Sopranos” fans are still rioting in the street.
This just in: Al-Qaida is claiming credit for the vague ending to "The Sopranos.”

Dick Cheney, our vice president, needs a new pace maker. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore.


Conan O'Brien
President Bush visited the Pope this weekend. He made a mistake. Instead of calling the Pope Your Holiness, he called him sir. Then, instead of kissing the Pope’s ring, Bush went for a high-five and said, "Up top, Popie.”

Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street-naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, "I’m honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard.”

Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency. But don’t worry, Paris was immediately snatched up by a no-talent agency.


Ferguson
A judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaners for $65 million over his pants that were ruined. He was crying in the court today. I found out he’s crying in court because he’s just gone through a divorce. That’s why his pants are so important to him. I mean he’s just lost his shirt.

Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he’s putting her in his new movie, "Raiders of the Lost Cause.”


Kimmel
Flag Day is tomorrow. Don’t forget to leave a plate of cookies out for Flaga Clause.

Today is the Olsen twins birthday. They turn 21 today (and pounds).

Today is also the five-day anniversary of Paris Hilton’s harrowing return to jail. They say Paris’ fellow prisoners are angry because her parents didn’t have to wait to visit her. Normally you sit there for two to four hours. It turns out there’s a decent explanation. The reason her parents didn’t have to stand in line is because they’re very very rich.

Tuesday Night, June 12

Jay Leno
President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero’s welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, "I love you albino people.”

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced that he is separating from his wife . . . Or, as former mayor Rudy Giuliani calls it: the first step to the White House.

According to a new poll out today, Hillary’s lead in the polls is due to her support by women. She’s bringing in the female vote. She’s attracting the woman vote. And bill is attracting "the other woman” vote.

Here’s the latest in the John Edwards campaign. It turns out — yes, there are two Americas and neither one of them is voting for him.


Dave Letterman
It’s graduation time. I remember I couldn’t wait to get out of high school. Couldn’t wait. Of course in those days, we weren’t having sex with our teachers.

New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. Thank you Spider-Man.

Our balcony is filled with angry "Sopranos” fans. If you think "The Sopranos” left you feeling cheated, just wait until the end of this show.

President Bush made a terrible mistake over at the Vatican. President Bush referred to the Pope as "sir," as opposed to His Holiness. I fire people for that.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Signs Paris Hilton Has Found God
10. Instead of pretending to read newspapers, now pretending to read the Bible
9. Been exchanging text messages with Pope Benedict XVI
8. New catchphrase? "That's holy!"
7. Begins each day with a prayer to Santa
6. Spent the last 10 hours trying to turn water into cosmopolitans
5. Vowed to give up all earthly possessions that are no longer in style
4. Changed chihuahua's name from Tinkerbell to Ezekiel
3. Now, only time she gets on her knees is to pray
2. Latest sex tape sponsored by the National Council of Churches
1. Often asks herself: "Where would Jesus shop?"


Conan O'Brien
President Bush has been busy. While in Albania, he was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds.

Bush was overheard saying, "I wonder who they’re mixing me up with?”

Bush is back in Washington. Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly the Republicans in attendance didn’t care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it.

Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it.

Britney Spears in the news. Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn’t an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it’s the stupid thing to do.


Ferguson
Not such a great day for President Bush. He was in Albania, and he got his watch stolen. He was shaking hands with some Albanians and they stole his watch. They should get out of Albania and get to Vegas! That’s where they’ll make some money.

The Secret Service has asked us to show a picture of the watch so they can get it back. [Picture of a SpongeBob Square Pants watch.]

John Travolta has revealed he is living a nocturnal lifestyle to avoid the paparazzi. We have a picture of John Travolta coming out at night. [Picture of John Travolta dressed as a woman in his latest role for the movie "Hairspray.”]


Kimmel
Paris is a whole new person after spending less than a week in jail. She called Barbara Walters and told her she’s not going to act dumb anymore. Now she’s going to be dumb.

Barbara asked what the real story was as far as the medical reason for getting out last week. There’s been a lot of speculation whether it was physical or mental. She said that Paris said, "I was not eating or sleeping; I was severely depressed; I felt as if I was in a cage . . .” Well, that’s probably because she was in a cage . . . the metal bars indicate cage.

Paris told Barbara she’s doing a lot better now, and she is using her time in jail to think about becoming a more productive member of society: "I asked what kinds of things she would like to do, and she said she would like to help in the field of breast cancer . . . or multiple sclerosis . . . and she said she would like to get some toy companies to build a kind of Paris Hilton playhouse for children.” You know so many kids go through life never getting to lose their virginity. Now with Paris Hilton’s playhouse, they’ll have that chance.

Monday Night, June 11

Jay Leno
It was crazy in West Hollywood yesterday. Gay pride parade and the Tony Awards on the same night. Let me tell you something, if Liza Minnelli couldn’t find a husband yesterday, it’s not going to happen.

Some sad news. It looks like the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa and his wife are separating and heading for a divorce. I understand she’s asking for everything west of La Cienega.

Big cyclone that touched down in the Persian Gulf last week…did you see that? They now say it could affect our oil prices. In fact, they said that sustained winds were measured at up to 75 dollars a barrel.

Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!”


Dave Letterman
Anyone see the Tony Awards last night? Congratulations to David Hasselhoff. He won a Tony for his performance in the musical "Fiddler on the Floor.”

Once again, we won a Tony for the biggest waste of a Broadway theater.

Here’s good news: If you’re a good audience, the L.A. Sheriff’s office may let you go home early.

How about that Paris Hilton thing? Isn’t it silly? She was hustled into a squad car; she was screaming for her mother . . . not a pretty picture. That’s exactly how I left NBC.


Conan O'Brien
Lost of "Sopranos” fans were upset about the way the series ended, because no one was killed at the end. Coincidently, people who sat through the Tony Awards felt the same way.

Over the weekend, President Bush visited Albania. And everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited and kept saying, "Look — a car!”

Yesterday President Bush spoke about his immigration bill. And he said, this is a quote, "The political process is steps forward, one step back.” Then Bush said, "It’s just like the Hokey Pokey.”

Weird story, but true. Two drug-sniffing dogs have been fired by airport security for urinating on passengers’ luggage. The drug-sniffing dogs apologized and said, "We were totally high when we did that.”


Ferguson
Not a great day for "Sopranos” fans. "Sopranos” show is over. Eighteen million people watched the finale. Eighteen million people after that said, "What the hell was that?”

It was a very weird ending. If you didn’t see it, the last scene of the "Sopranos,” Tony is sitting in a restaurant, and a guy walks by, and the guy goes to the bathroom, and that’s it. I’m thinking, he’s an assassin, or maybe the Cub Scouts in the corner — maybe they’re assassins . . . nothing! Just disappointment when it’s over. Lots of buildup . . . nothing happen when it’s over . . . you know.

The highlight of my weekend was when I went to Disney World. I went to the opening of the "Finding Nemo” submarine ride. They had like this celebrity opening — they were short [on celebrities] so I got to go.

The place was packed with entertainment reporters as well, because they’ve had nothing to do because Paris Hilton is in the pokey.


Kimmel
Rerun

Friday Night, June 8

Jay Leno
Paris Hilton is back in jail today. You know what that means . . . Your cards and letters made a difference!

Here’s the scary part: In a show of support, Nicole Ritchie is going on a hunger strike.

They didn’t televise the proceedings. They didn’t want this to turn into some kind of a media circus.


Dave Letterman
Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama.

Dr. Death is out of prison. Here’s a guy who built a suicide machine. So, I thought "You know, if I could get a suicide machine . . .” Hell, I’ll just get a cab.

Dr. Kevorkian, despite the fact that he has been gone for eight years, is still very much in the know. Instead of using the suicide machine, he’s switched to Chinese toothpaste.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Organized Crime Show 10. It chronicles the life and times of the Jackson family
9. Mob bosses settle conflicts with spirited game of Trivial Pursuit
8. Only illegal activity is double parking
7. Mobsters whack an informant by driving up his cholesterol with rich desserts
6. Boss makes guy an offer he has the option of refusing
5. All nine mobsters played by Eddie Murphy — remember "Norbit" is now available on DVD
4. They sit around eating sausage and pepperoni Hot Pockets
3. Everyone dies after catching tuberculosis from guy on airplane
2. Crime syndicate is run from behind bars by Paris Hilton
1. It's less violent than a typical episode of "The View"


Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton is now back in jail.
Paris Hilton tried to testify over the phone but the judge ordered her to show up in person.
The judge said he didn’t want to talk to Paris on the phone because she charges three dollars a minute.

The judge ordered Paris Hilton back to jail because he said she does not deserve special treatment.
The judge pointed out that in Los Angeles, celebrities only get special treatment if they commit murder.

Yesterday at the G-8 Summit Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I believe the correct pronunciation is ‘abra cadabra.’”


Ferguson
Is it me, or are penguins everywhere right now? There was the "March of the Penguins,” then there was the dancing penguins in "Happy Feet,” now there are the surfing penguins. Surfing penguins! These penguins have gone Hollywood. You know what’s going to happen soon? Penguins go into rehab.

People are very excited about the "Ocean’s Thirteen” movie. It’s all about cool people having a good time. Who doesn’t want to see that? Well, you apparently, because you’re watching me.
"Ocean’s Eleven” was originally an old Rat Pack movie. Remember the Rat Pack? Frank, Sammy, Dean, Germaine, Tito, Regis . . .


Kimmel
You’ll be happy to know that Paris Hilton is back in jail. If this is an episode of "Punk’d,” it’s the best episode ever.

It was a terrible day for Paris; tons of cameras pointed at her; no way for her to take off her clothes.
Imagine how crazy all of this would be if she actually had any talent.

Thursday Night, June 7

Jay Leno
Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks who won the Stanley Cup championship last night. I believe this is the biggest victory for a group of ducks since Dick Chaney shot that lawyer in the face.

A cyclone packing huge winds of up to 200 mph has hit the Persian Gulf oil fields. Iranian officials announced today they are still trying to figure out how to blame this on the Jews.

An interview in Marie Claire magazine, the beautiful Angelina Jolie says it’s easier for her to hold a conversation when she’s naked. She’s more comfortable talking when she’s nude. Well, can’t we book her on the show?

Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline has backed out of an acting job at an upcoming movie with academy award winner Forrest Whitaker sighting a scheduling conflict. Apparently, the boss at taco bell would not let him out of his shift.


Dave Letterman
Our long national nightmare is over. Paris Hilton is out of prison. Paris, I waited for you.

She wasn’t in there long enough to sober up!

She was released for medical reasons. She gave notes from several doctors: Dr. Jackson, Dr. Grant, Dr. Franklin . . .

It’s not a free ride from here on out. She’s now under house arrest. That’ll teach her. Her world has now been reduced to a 4-acre estate in Bel Air.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten President Bush Global Warming Solutions
10. Instead of "Partly sunny," have weatherman say "Partly cloudy"
9. Stop using Air Force One for Texas barbecue runs
8. Replace dangerous CO2 in the atmosphere with more eco-friendly CO1
7. Encourage people to walk more by distributing free Dr. Scholl massaging gel inserts. Are you gellin'?
6. Watch Al Gore movie one of these nights instead of "Dukes of Hazzard"
5. Bob Barker's free. Get him workin' on it
4. Send more troops to Iraq
3. I dunno, tax cuts for the rich?
2. Reduce hot air emissions by cancelling "The View"
1. Resign


Conan O'Brien
Al Gore made an appearance in Chicago today, and at one point the crowd started cheering, "Run, Al run.”
They weren’t talking about the presidency, they just thought he was fat.

Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush had a meeting with rock star Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band, UTube.

There’s a rumor that Sen. Hillary Clinton had some plastic surgery. Friends of Hillary denied the rumors saying, "Believe it or not, that’s her natural forced smile.”

Yesterday Bob Barker taped his final episode of "The Price Is Right.” Experts say it’s a sad day for television, but a great day for pets who want to keep their testicles.


Ferguson
Paris has to wear a little electronic ankle bracelet. Now you know the teenage girls who look to her for fashion are going to be limping around the mall.

Paris still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons.

The reason why the Paris Hilton story is so huge is because nothing else is really going on in the world . . .
Well, there is the world leaders gathering at G-8 Summit to discuss the fate of the earth . . . And oh yeah, we’re at war! Other than that, it is a light news day.


Kimmel
You probably have heard, Paris Hilton escaped from jail. I guess she was skinny enough to slip through the bars.

She snuck out in a mailing tube.

She was in jail for just over 74 hours. I’ve been in Monopoly jail longer.

Wednesday Night, June 6

Jay Leno
At the Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA was booed by the crowd in Mexico City. Booed. Which is ironic because they were chanting "Yankee go home . . . And take us with you!”

The government now says it now takes about 12 weeks for an American to get a passport now. A three-month waiting list if you want to get out of the country. But of course to get into the country, there’s no wait at all, you just walk across …

An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!

Here’s an amazing story. A welder who lost his wallet in 1970 got it back after 37 years with everything still inside it: the guy’s money, his credit cards, even his condom is still in the wallet. An employee at the university recognized John Mitchell by some of the pictures inside and called Mitchell’s son. A son he wouldn’t have had, had he not lost the wallet with the condom in it 37 years ago.


Dave Letterman
Crime in this city is at an all-time low! New York City is the safest big city in the United States. It’s all because of Mayor Bloomberg’s tough new program: Three murders, you go to jail.

Paris Hilton in the cooler. And you know the problem with Paris being in prison, she’s surrounded by sex offenders; she’s surrounded by drug dealers; felons . . . you know, just like when she was on the outside.

Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They’re already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail. I believe they’re calling it "The Bird Brain of Alcatraz.”

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Signs Paris Hilton Isn't Doing Well In Prison
10. Suffering from insomnia because she's not used to sleeping in the same bed every night
9. Too depressed to participate in prison riots
8. Desperate for intimacy, she made a boyfriend out of a stuffed laundry bag
7. She's ballooned to 93 pounds
6. Only time she said, "That's hot!" was during delousing
5. Knitted a tea cozy from rat fur (sorry — that joke was left over from an old Martha Stewart list)
4. Only call she received was from Eddie Brill asking for her out
3. Was overheard muttering something about voting for Kucinich
2. Started a pen pal romance with Phil Spector
1. At last night's conjugal she seemed distant


Conan O' Brien
President Bush is out of the country traveling to Europe for the G-8 summit. At one point, protesters got so out of hand, police used a water cannon on them. President Bush did his part by pulling out his Super Soaker.

All 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Ten. Experts say it was like many of history’s classic debates, except with eight extra people.

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Ritchie has responded by saying, "I’m not pregnant. I just ate a grape.”

Paris Hilton is in prison right now. Officials had to turn away a delivery man who was trying to deliver a fruit basket. After hearing about it, Paris said, "Can I just have the banana?”


Ferguson
There are rumors that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Apparently, she was seen eating for one.

There’s a man suing the maker of an energy drink, claiming the drink gave him an endless erection. This means you can sue people who have that kind of effect on you. See you in court, Orlando Bloom.

These kids with roller wheels on their shoes are causing accidents. Kids with wheels on there shoes. Three things you should never mix: kids, shoes, wheels. It’s a perfect mix: kids, shoes, wheels, ER.

It’s always the same with new inventions. I can remember when calculators came out. We weren’t allowed to use calculators in school. The teachers would say, "Calculators prevent you from learning arithmetic.” I’d say, "I’m going into show business.” "Well, you’ll need arithmetic to count your crushed dreams.”


Kimmel
A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we’re always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail.

She’s been incarcerated for 74 hours now . . . it’s really ironic that I’ve had no interest in Paris for all these years and now that I am interested, I can’t see what’s going on.

They say she has three blankets, but no pillow. I actually feel a little bit bad for her, especially since I’ve stolen so many pillows from Hilton Hotels.

Tuesday Night, June 5

Jay Leno
It’s now been 48 hours that Paris Hilton’s been in jail — which sets a new L.A. record for the longest time a celebrity has ever spent in prison.

There was one embarrassing moment in Paris’ cavity search. Yeah, they found Tinkerbell, her pet Chihuahua.

Paris got a new cellmate today: Scooter Libby.

Prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter.


Dave Letterman
The statistics are out: New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. It’s all due to Mayor Bloomberg’s $50 fine for murder.

The suicide doctor, Dr. Kevorkian, is out of prison. He got early out for good behavior. Apparently he was very helpful on death row.

Day two of Paris Hilton in prison. She’s adjusted well to prison life. Today she joined the Latin Kings.
She said, "Don’t worry about me. I can do 23 days standing on my head.” And if you’ve seen any of her videos . . .

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Excuses Of The Tuberculosis Traveler
10. "Calm down — most of the people I coughed on were foreigners"
9. "How was I supposed to know drug-resistant bacteria was a bad thing — who am I, House?" 8. "When the doctor told me I had 'TB,' I assumed he meant 'Terrific Breath'"
7. "Of course my judgment was impaired! I had tuberculosis you moron!"
6. "If people with a dangerous communicable disease are not allowed to travel among innocent civilians, then the terrorists have won"
5. No number 5 — writer infected by tuberculosis traveler
4. "Ha! You've been tuberculosis'd"
3. "It's just drug-resistant tuberculosis. What harm can it do?"
2. "Surgical mask made me feel like Spider-Man"
1. "Hey it's still better than flying JetBlue. Am I right, people?"


Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, "I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.”

According to a new survey, most women couldn’t care less about the size of a man’s penis. This was a survey in this month’s "If Only It Were True” magazine.

Paris Hilton reported to jail Sunday night. And when she arrived they gave her an orange prison jumpsuit. Paris said, "This jumpsuit is nice, but do you have anything crotchless?”

Paris Hilton’s lawyer visited her in prison today. She told him she is using her time in jail to see what she can do to make the world a better place. So far the only thing she could come up with is stay in jail.


Ferguson
I’m very excited today. Today is Kenny G’s birthday. America’s favorite elevator jazz musician., 51 today.

Kenny’s celebrating with his brothers Kenny H and Kenny J.

Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in jail. He should get along with the other prisoners, because you know what they say about scooters: They’re fun to ride until your friends see you.

Earlier tonight was the season premier of "America’s Got Talent.” David Hasselhoff is one of the judges. Should David Hasselhoff really be judging other people’s talents? That’s like getting your hair cut by Donald Trump.


Kimmel
Acclaimed actress and shoe wearer, Paris Hilton, is in her 50th hour at a women’s detention center in Los Angeles. She was arrested in January for beating a homeless man to death with her BlackBerry.

Her mom baked a file into a cake, not so she could escape, but so she could do her nails.
The Republican debate was last night. There are now more Republican candidates than there are republican voters.

Monday Night, June 4

Jay Leno
This is the month for June brides. More bad news for Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton is now in jail. On her first day, they did something called a booty check. Paris Hilton calls it a first date.

There are three new books out now about Hillary Clinton. One on each of her positions on the Iraq war.

The FDA has approved a pill that stops a woman’s cycle and prevents PMS. This could end of "The View” as we know it.


Dave Letterman
Been raining a lot here in New York City. To give you an idea how much rain we’ve had, earlier today, Jason Giambi (the Yankees first baseman) tested positive for mildew.

Speaking of the Yankees, they brought back Roger Clemens to pitch for them, and he was training trying to get himself in shape throwing minor league ball. You know Roger Clemens is like my age. He was supposed top start tonight, but he was delayed because of a groin injury. And I’m thinking, "Well, nice going Paris.”

Paris Hilton checked into prison last night. Unlike a Hilton Hotel, her room was ready last might.
Angelina Jolie celebrated her 33rd birthday. Happy Birthday to Angelina Jolie. She adopted a cake.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Things Paris Hilton Heard Today In Prison
10. "No, we don't have a room service menu"
9. "Versace doesn't make an orange prison jumpsuit"
8. "Say 'That's hot' one more time and I'll smother you with a pillow"
7. "Governor Schwarzenegger called, but no one could understand a thing he said"
6. "I assume you're accustomed to people watching you shower"
5. "No number five — writer too heartbroken"
4. "If you miss your Chihuahau, the rats make pretty good pets"
3. "I'm in here for illegally downloading video of you off the Internet"
2. "May I have your autograph Miss Lohan?"
1. "Tell Letterman we can't accept any more flowers"


Conan O'Brien
During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s "don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. "Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, "Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.”

After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kenvorkian was on "Larry King Live.” When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here.”

A new fertility test is being developed that will allow men and women to test their fertility at home. The new home fertility test will be called sex.

Paris Hilton is now in jail. Paris Hilton tried to throw off reporters by trying to turn herself in at a men’s prison. Not surprisingly, no one was fooled.


Ferguson
Democrats had their big debate last night. Hillary Clinton and John Edwards got into a heated argument about foreign policy, then they got into a slap fight about who had the prettier bangs.
Of course Edwards won.

Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you’re not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously.
That’s like the NRA hosting Dick Cheney’s duck hunt.


Kimmel
Rerun