Wednesday Night, June 20

Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Kobe Bryant wanted to leave L.A. just because of the heat.
The Vatican this week published something it’s calling the "Ten Commandments for Drivers.” It’s commandments you should follow while you drive. They actually mention Lindsay Lohan by name.

Nissan announced they are going to build a car in India that will retail for just $3,000. But it’s available only to the Indian people. How about building a car for $3,000 for Americans who lost their jobs to India? Wouldn’t that be better?

In a campaign ad that is a spoof of the big "Sopranos” finale. Have you seen this? Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. You know what the difference is between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary goes to the strip club to find her spouse.


Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”

A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound.

Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.”


Ferguson
Not a great day for the Republicans. In New York City, the mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has left the Republican Party. He’s now an independent. He used to be a Democrat, then he was a Republican, now he’s an independent. This guy’s gonna run for president, because who’s going to accuse him of flip-flopping? Who?

He’s a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for everey vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins!

There was one independent president — Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt founded the national park system. President Taft, who followed Teddy Roosevelt weighed 350 pounds. He was our fattest president ever. He was almost a state himself.
He was so fat, he had to have a special bathtub put into the White House. Bill Clinton loved that bathtub.


Kimmel
Rerun

Tuesday Night, June 19

Jay Leno
Do you know this is "Meet a New Mate Week?” Which is more bad news for Scooter Libby. Not looking good.

Speaking of criminals, North Carolina DA Mike Nifong, you know, that guy in the Duke lacrosse thing, has been disbarred. Now the DA just stands for dumb ass.

In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said that the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have it? We already have it! It’s called "Miami.”

You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Today, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius.

According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies.

The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles.

The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas.


Ferguson
Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship.

Not a great day for that wacky judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. He was crying, then acting crazy. He’s resigning. Look out Judge Judy — here comes "The Crying Judge.”

Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? The used to just dispense justice now they’re all crazy. There’s the crying judge in Florida, there’s the judge in D.C. who’s suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants . . . if I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants . . . But there were no dry cleaners involved.

Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court.


Kimmel
I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.

My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”

I threw his PlayStation in the pool. You have to teach kids.

Monday Night, June 18

Jay Leno
As I’m sure you know by now, a judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. Not the name you want to have going into prison.

I guess you heard, there’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India.

Actually, two thirds of it have been fixed. Although the system that controls oxygen manufacture had been down for two days. And you know what happens when astronauts don’t get enough oxygen. They drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap other astronauts. You have to be very careful.

According to a new study 30 percent of Cubans are overweight. The other 70 percent are still in Cuba.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is "Renegade.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service code name, "Ballbuster.”

Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200 mile campaign trip in Iowa. Brownback said, "I’m not going to stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.”
Bob Barker retired last Friday. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of "The Price Is Right.” If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, "Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.”

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?


Ferguson
Not such a great day for the international space station. All the space station’s computers crashed. It must be terrifying for these astronauts. No way to download porn.

The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together . . . does this sound familiar?!?

Here in America we’re safe from rabbits. We have Elmer Fudd to protect us [picture of Dick Cheney].


Kimmel
Rerun

Friday Night, June 15

Jay Leno
This Sunday, of course, is Father’s Day. Except in Beverly Hills where it’s forefathers day. Where kids celebrate their four fathers. The stepfather . . .

Democrat presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an impeach Dick Cheney movement. How many heart attacks has Cheney had, five, six? If you want to get rid of this guy just buy him a cheeseburger.

As you know, all the candidates have released their financial statements. It turned out that Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. Ten million dollars! That sounds glamorous but come on. Imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half a country away. Him sitting there by himself. How lonely that must be though.

Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now.


Dave Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s been weeks that I walked through Central Park screaming, "I’m hit! I’m hit!”
Many of you will make it back to your hotels alive.

Paris Hilton got an Emmy for her work on a daytime soap opera. Have you seen it? "The Young and the Brainless?”

Rosie O’Donnell was also nominated for Best Talk Show Host. She looked fantastic by the way, at the Emmy Awards. She spent the day getting her back waxed.


Conan O'Brien
In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good.

Hillary Clinton has launched a new Web site where people can get all the latest Hillary news. John Edwards has launched a new Web site where people can get his blend of shampoos and conditioners.

The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin.

It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.”


Ferguson
"Fantastic 4" opens today. I don’t know why they’re fantastic; they look just fabulous to me.
There is itchy, stretchy . . .

Anyway, The Thing gets married. I guess to "Miss Thing.”

The Nancy Drew movie opened today. That’s the one I’ll be seeing. Nancy Drew is a spunky teenager who fights crime and wears a miniskirt. I went through a phase like that.


Kimmel
We have a tradition on Father’s Day. I wake up to the site of my two beautiful children standing by my bed with a pillow trying to smother me.

Father’s Day is a day for kids to show appreciation to their dads. Well, once Maury Povich identifies who their dad is.

Today was Bob Barker’s last day on "The Price Is Right.” After 35 years, he realized that the show was boring.