Thursday Night, July 26

Jay Leno

Did you know about this? President Bush got a colonoscopy over the weekend. He had it done at Camp David. After seeing the movie "Sicko,” he didn’t want to go to a hospital.

According to a study by The New England Journal of Medicine, obesity can be "socially contagious.” That means the more time you spend hanging around heavy people, the more likely you will become fat. Obesity can be contagious? How does that work? "Hey bob what happened to your ass?” "A fat guy at the office sneezed on me. I got a touch of that obesity thing.”

Do you believe that? Hey, if it was contagious Clinton would have contracted it years ago. He would weigh 1,100 pounds now.

Starbucks announced they’re raising their prices. You know why? Because they can. They say they are raising their prices because the price of milk has gone up. Really? When did cows get a raise? Did cows get a raise?


David Letterman

It was so nice out today, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for possession of a small amount of sunblock.

So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy from Empire Szechuan.

Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her.

Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit.

Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets

10. "Team forfeited Sunday's game because we were all reading 'Harry Potter'"
9. "'Mets' is short for 'Metrosexuals'"
8. "We all carry BlackBerries so we can blog on the field"
7. "During month of May, all we did was bunt"
6. "Proud to be in the same city as our favorite talk-show host, Conan O'Brien"
5. "We always give 110 percent, except on Tuesdays, when we give 111 percent"
4. "For one season in the '80s, every player on the team was named 'Mookie'"
3. "Our stadium nacho cheese is made with pine tar"
2. "Blew entire budget signing David Beckham"
1. "We've really bonded since we started watching 'Oprah' as a team"


Conan O'Brien
Rerun

Ferguson

Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics, science fiction, and unwanted virginity.

Parents across the country are rejoicing: This weekend the basement is empty.

Convention organizers are expecting 125,000 people this year. Three of those people are projected to be female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and the other one’s named Pat.

Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Wednesday Night, July 25

Jay Leno
Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?

Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to report to practice. Good. You know who it was that turned Michael Vick in? Dog the Bounty Hunter. What are the odds?

Huge scandals are rocking all three major sports right now. The NFL with Michael Vick; the NBA with that gambling thing; baseball with steroids. In fact, ESPN and Court TV have now merged. They are just going to be one.

It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. Then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naïve.” That’s what she said, "naïve.” Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would "forsake all others ’til death do you part?”

Conan O'Brien
Rerun

Ferguson

Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants.

Disney announced today that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called "Smoke-ahontas.”

And another one, the follow-up, "Cigarella.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Good news today: Lindsay Lohan, it turns out, is innocent. She told Billy Bush of "Access Hollywood,” in an e-mail, that the drugs the police found on her weren’t hers. She said the drugs belonged to someone else.

And her blood alcohol level belonged to Mischa Barton.

Is anyone else disturbed that the top news story in the world came out of Billy Bush’s BlackBerry last night?

If Lindsay Lohan and Britney

Tuesday Night, July 24

Jay Leno


John Edwards is continuing his "Poverty Tour” around America. Today he visited with a group of people who get their hair cut at a place called "a barber shop.” He was horrified at their stories. Combs and blue liquid . . .

And Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women’s vote; they say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women’s "outreach.” And another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill’s reach.

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he played with his dogs and then rode his bike. How old is he, 12?

I finally saw "Sicko.” But enough about Michael Vick.

David Letterman


Beautiful day to sit at an outdoor café and watch a street blow up.

While you’re in town, don’t miss "Shakespeare and the Crater.”

Happy birthday to Barry Bonds! Forty-three years old today. Barry tested positive for cake.

Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded.

Conan O'Brien


Rerun

Ferguson


Big day for me. I got fingerprinted today. It was part of my citizenship application . . .

What’s the name of that rehab center she went to in Malibu? Promises, it is called isn’t it? Broken Promises I think.

It seems to me that the swanky celebrity rehab doesn’t work as well as the just regular people rehab. Just my opinion.

Jimmy Kimmel


Lindsay Lohan was arrested this morning for arranging dog fights in her home.

Lindsay got her second DUI in two months today. When they took her in, they also found a small amount of cocaine on her, or in her, they didn’t specify. Her father says he feels partially responsible. He says the fighting between him and his ex-wife put a lot of pressure on Lindsay. Also — he sold her the coke.

What happened to the alcohol-monitoring bracelet she was wearing? I thought those things were accurate! They’re built by a Chinese toothpaste company.

This weekend President Bush was having five polyps removed. Initially he didn’t want to have them removed; he said they were doing a heck of a job. But doctors convinced him. They also found an impacted Scooter in the president’s Libby.

Jay Leno Headlines

Laugh at the Animal Control Ad !!! lol Kevin E.

Monday Night, July 23

Jay Leno
Saturday, President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. It was performed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

White house spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure President Bush was asleep but responsive. So how is that different than any other day?

Wal-Mart is considering investing in the retail business in China, but there are employee issues of slave labor, horrible working conditions, and brutal treatment. But China said, "Oh, Wal-Mart is welcome any way.”

I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card.


David Letterman
To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp.

Anybody here in town last week when that big chunk of Lexington Avenue blew up? Now there’s this huge crater. It’s already becoming a tourist attraction. For $50 a team of burros will take you to the bottom.

President Bush had his physical over the weekend; he had a colonoscopy. In order to pay for that procedure, bush had to pretend to marry a fireman.

The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, "Well, hell . . . maybe we should send these guys out to find bin Laden."


Conan O'Brien
Rerun


Ferguson
There is a new host for "The Price Is Right.” Drew Carey is the new host! He used to be my boss. Now he’s the boss of Bob Barker’s beauties. There’ll be strip Plinko . . . and all-you-can-eat showcase showdowns.

Not such a great day for England. They’ve had the worst flooding ion 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned.

Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every night.


Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Blog Update ...

Here is Great News for all my readers out there ...

As you all know, Jay Leno has the longest monologues when it comes to "late night shows talks". It longs approximately 10 minutes right after the show starts. From political jokes to the "Fat" guy next door, he says it all. During that frame of time, Kevin Eubanks 'Tonight show with Jay Leno's Musical Director' adds his sense of humor in response to Jay Leno's Jokes. In order to enjoy it all, I have decided to increase the number of videos i put on the website ( found on the Net or TiVo'd ) for all to keep on laughing at just a click of a button.

*at the end of the page, find a section called "quote of the day" sponsored by http://www.brainyquote.com/ which will boost your day!

I have also added a chat box for your convenience. You will now be able to chat real-time with fellow visitors...(see right side of your window)

Laugh your day Out.... Happy reading!!!

Friday Night, July 20

Jay Leno
I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom.

John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, it says sometimes he shampoos his hair and then skips the conditioner completely and goes commando.

In just a couple of weeks, the new movie “Underdog” comes out. It’s a dog with super powers that fights criminals. That’s gotta be Michael Vick’s worst nightmare.

People are mad about this Michael Vick thing. Today, Bob Barker called for Vick to be spayed and neutered.


David Letterman
Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.

Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair.

"Hairspray" opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.


Conan O'Brien
Tomorrow President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Lord Voldermort will be running the country.

A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.”

Yesterday, Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks.

Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.”


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight we celebrate our 900th show. All done, by the way, without the help of steroids.
Nine hundred seems enough. I’m thinking about opening a nail salon in Sacramento.

The final Harry Potter book came out. This is a quick glossary of some common terms: "Hogwarts” is the school they go to. A "muggle” is a person who doesn’t do magic. Like David Blaine.

Quidditch” is a magical lacrosse-like game. "Kucinich” is a magical elf who lives in a tree.