Monday Night, August 6

Jay Leno

Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”

Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.

According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.

David Letterman

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Conan O'Brien

Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.

This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.

The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”

In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.


Ferguson

Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .

Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.

Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!

Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!

Jimmy Kimmel

Rerun

Friday Night, August 3

Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isn’t this ridiculous! Shouldn’t we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?

Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout.

The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man

Researchers at the University of Texas have come up with 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills came up with 100 million reasons why . . .


David Letterman

Hot today. So hot, Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning.

So hot, earlier tonight on his show, Larry King was wearing only suspenders.

One wonders what he was holding up.

On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So, you have him to thank for New York’s criminal justice system.


Conan O'Brien

Britney Spears is in trouble again. She took her 22-month-old son to the dentist to have his teeth whitened. Britney defended herself by saying, "It was either have his teeth whitened or stop giving him coffee and cigarettes.”

The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of wine in Brad Pitt’s face during an argument, and they’re thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she’ll get the kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids from Africa, South America, and Greenland.

A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the 94 year old, except her student loan officer.

Donald Trump is coming out with bedroom furniture. He says his bed is special; it automatically kicks your wife out when she turns 30.

Ferguson


Today’s a great day for music fans. Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago. Three days of rebellion, drugs, and corporate sponsorship.

Iggy Pop is playing there. I love Iggy! He just turned 60. [Shows a photo of Iggy Pop with whole body looking very wrinkled.] Human beef jerky.

Jennifer Lopez has a movie out called "El Cantante.” "El Cantante is Spanish for "'The Simpson’s' movie is sold out so let’s go into that movie.”

It’s my mother’s birthday today! Happy birthday Mother. It’s also Martha Stewart’s birthday. They don’t have anything in common . . . except the jail time.

Jimmy Kimmel

This morning on "Good Morning America,” Nicole Richie sat down for an interview with Diane Sawyer to talk about her arrest and her pregnancy. She said the hardest call she had to make was to her dad Lionel Richie. And not because she was worried about telling him, but apparently he can’t answer the phone without singing the entire song, "Alone.”

Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole. I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you could own things. But then they invented lawyers and everything changed.

They’ve laid claim to all the oil and natural gas underneath the North Pole, but it also means they’ve laid claim to the most wonderfully festive place in the world: Santa’s house.

Thursday Night, August 2

Jay Leno

The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13.

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction . . .

Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room,” featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing?

The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip! Road trip!

David Letterman


Hot down in Washington D.C. So hot, Abe Lincoln was sitting in the Reflecting Pool.

It was so hot that NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting.

Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on.

Conan O'Brien


Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.”

Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage.

This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles.

In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort.

Ferguson


Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There’s a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. Here’s my big chance! Call me Brad . . .

The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women.

Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over!

Jimmy Kimmel


It’s a big night for baseball here in California. Barry bonds, the balloon-headed slugger, continues to chase Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record. It would be oddly appropriate for him to break that number here in L.A., because almost everyone here is artificially enhanced too.

Elton John told a newspaper in London that the Internet is killing creativity and should be shut down. Imagine that. We’d have to go back to drawing our own pornography.

Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to say "OPP” anymore

Wednesday Night, August 1

Jay Leno

It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice.

I was sweating like Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he had to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

It’s Wednesday. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it, "my humps” day.

According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. And people feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. And I think there’s something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled-up sock in his pants.

David Letterman

Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker.

It was so hot today, Michael Vick was organizing penguin fights.

So hot today, Rupert Murdoch purchased Dairy Queen.

There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president.

Conan O'brien

The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton today. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day.

The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups.

A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America.

The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.”

Ferguson


Not such a great day if you live in the North Pole. The Russians are saying the North Pole belongs to them. I say give it to them! It’s melting anyway. Soon it will just be ocean. Ocean with huge reserves of oil underneath.

Here’s what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt. Why is that illegal? Where I am from, if you see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a skirt, you say, "Good morning, Grandpa!”

They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky!

Jimmy Kimmel


They’ve been searching far and wide for a new co-host for "The View” since Rosie O’Donnell bit somebody and the audience had to be put to sleep.

The Spears-Federline marriage is now officially over. The papers went through. She actually did something sane this week, that means.

Federline’s timing is impeccable. He got in while she was all cute and bubbly, and got out before she turned into Andy Dick.

Nicole Richie has confirmed that she is indeed pregnant, which explains why she has gotten so fat.

Tuesday Night, July 31

Jay Leno


It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless.

The Washington Post criticized Sen. Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. That’s seems sexist to me. They never went after Sen. Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing.

A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right.

He’s our most important judge after Simon Cowell.


David Letterman


So hot today, I was sweating like a poodle at Michael Vick’s place.

So hot, Dick Cheney implanted a pacemaker and an icemaker.

It was so hot, the astronauts were drinking frozen margaritas.

Talk about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks. Folks down in Washington say they haven’t seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy.

Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Signs President Bush Needs A Vacation

10. Ordered a full-scale invasion of Turks and Caicos
9. Staffers found him having a conversation with a coat rack
8. Asked CIA director to have Jason Bourne join hunt for Osama
7. Hasn't stopped sobbing since he was passed over for "The Price is Right"
6. Has only seen the new Harry Potter movie four times
5. Only seems half as Bushy as usual
4. Instead of signing bills, now licks 'em
3. So overworked he's pronouncing words correctly. Boo-ya!
2. He's been drinking like an astronaut
1. Hasn't given Laura the ol' "veto" in months


Conan O'Brien


Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney.

Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down."

According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel.

In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War."

Ferguson


It’s a great day for job-seekers in America. Puff Daddy put an ad for an assistant on YouTube. He isn’t the only one looking for an assistant. Donald Trump offered Rosie O’Donnell 2 million bucks to be on "The Apprentice.” I know Rosie, and she would not sell her dignity for 2 million bucks to a short-fingered Bulgarian wearing a badger on his head.

She wouldn’t, but I would.

You can write your name on me Donald. For 50 bucks you can write your name on my ass. I don’t care.

Jimmy Kimmel


I have to congratulate Larry King. A lot of these younger guys on CNN get a lot of credit for going to places where they put themselves in the line of fire to get a story, but Larry King, you’d think he’d be scared to sit down with Vice President Dick Cheney. I mean, this is a guy who has a record of shooting old men in the face.

Hillary Clinton showed a little cleavage during a speech on the Senate floor a couple of weeks ago, and some people think she’s doing it to show some feminimity. Hillary didn’t want to hear anything about it. She called the observation grossly inappropriate. Who would have ever thought a controversy involving Clinton and cleavage would involve Hillary!

Star Jones has announced after years of secrecy, the way she lost all her weight was having gastric bypass surgery. She went from a size 26 to a size six. I honestly never quite believed her original explanation which was that "a dingo ate my body fat.”

Monday Night, July 30

Jay Leno

Here’s some good political gossip. It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant, barely speaking to each other, and now when they do, it’s really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, marriage.

Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry.

Here in L.A., people boo Barry. You know why? Because we here in L.A., we don’t like any kind of performance enhancement . . . nothing phony in L.A . . . we don’t like it. We won’t stand for anything phony in this town.

It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex.

David Letterman


Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands.

Iraq now has a championship team, so we can go home, right?

Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde.

How about the astronauts flying drunk? Here’s a sign your astronaut is flying drunk: Before liftoff, he runs a systems check on the blender.

Conan O'Brien


The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown met with President Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, "That guy’s hilarious.”

Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.

Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”

Britney Spears is in trouble. Britney Spears may have violated California law because she took her kids out of the state without written permission from Kevin Federline. Britney explained, "Sorry, I didn’t have time for Kevin to learn how to write.”

Ferguson

Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California.

I had a good weekend. I went to Toronto. They have the "Just for Laughs” festival. Peter Ustinov used to say that Toronto was like New York run by the Swiss. Which I think is unfair. Unfair to Toronto because the Swiss are bastards. With their cheese, and their coockoo clocks, and their Swiss Army knives . . . . no wonder they’re neutral. Who are you going to scare with that little knife?

I went to this great hotel, the Germain Hotel. It was mobbed with people for the festival. So I signed under a name that no one would recognize: Craig Ferguson.

Jimmy Kimmel

Rerun

Thursday Night, July 26

Jay Leno

Did you know about this? President Bush got a colonoscopy over the weekend. He had it done at Camp David. After seeing the movie "Sicko,” he didn’t want to go to a hospital.

According to a study by The New England Journal of Medicine, obesity can be "socially contagious.” That means the more time you spend hanging around heavy people, the more likely you will become fat. Obesity can be contagious? How does that work? "Hey bob what happened to your ass?” "A fat guy at the office sneezed on me. I got a touch of that obesity thing.”

Do you believe that? Hey, if it was contagious Clinton would have contracted it years ago. He would weigh 1,100 pounds now.

Starbucks announced they’re raising their prices. You know why? Because they can. They say they are raising their prices because the price of milk has gone up. Really? When did cows get a raise? Did cows get a raise?


David Letterman

It was so nice out today, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for possession of a small amount of sunblock.

So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy from Empire Szechuan.

Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her.

Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit.

Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets

10. "Team forfeited Sunday's game because we were all reading 'Harry Potter'"
9. "'Mets' is short for 'Metrosexuals'"
8. "We all carry BlackBerries so we can blog on the field"
7. "During month of May, all we did was bunt"
6. "Proud to be in the same city as our favorite talk-show host, Conan O'Brien"
5. "We always give 110 percent, except on Tuesdays, when we give 111 percent"
4. "For one season in the '80s, every player on the team was named 'Mookie'"
3. "Our stadium nacho cheese is made with pine tar"
2. "Blew entire budget signing David Beckham"
1. "We've really bonded since we started watching 'Oprah' as a team"


Conan O'Brien
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Ferguson

Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics, science fiction, and unwanted virginity.

Parents across the country are rejoicing: This weekend the basement is empty.

Convention organizers are expecting 125,000 people this year. Three of those people are projected to be female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and the other one’s named Pat.

Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Wednesday Night, July 25

Jay Leno
Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?

Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to report to practice. Good. You know who it was that turned Michael Vick in? Dog the Bounty Hunter. What are the odds?

Huge scandals are rocking all three major sports right now. The NFL with Michael Vick; the NBA with that gambling thing; baseball with steroids. In fact, ESPN and Court TV have now merged. They are just going to be one.

It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. Then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naïve.” That’s what she said, "naïve.” Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would "forsake all others ’til death do you part?”

Conan O'Brien
Rerun

Ferguson

Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants.

Disney announced today that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called "Smoke-ahontas.”

And another one, the follow-up, "Cigarella.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Good news today: Lindsay Lohan, it turns out, is innocent. She told Billy Bush of "Access Hollywood,” in an e-mail, that the drugs the police found on her weren’t hers. She said the drugs belonged to someone else.

And her blood alcohol level belonged to Mischa Barton.

Is anyone else disturbed that the top news story in the world came out of Billy Bush’s BlackBerry last night?

If Lindsay Lohan and Britney

Tuesday Night, July 24

Jay Leno


John Edwards is continuing his "Poverty Tour” around America. Today he visited with a group of people who get their hair cut at a place called "a barber shop.” He was horrified at their stories. Combs and blue liquid . . .

And Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women’s vote; they say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women’s "outreach.” And another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill’s reach.

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he played with his dogs and then rode his bike. How old is he, 12?

I finally saw "Sicko.” But enough about Michael Vick.

David Letterman


Beautiful day to sit at an outdoor café and watch a street blow up.

While you’re in town, don’t miss "Shakespeare and the Crater.”

Happy birthday to Barry Bonds! Forty-three years old today. Barry tested positive for cake.

Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded.

Conan O'Brien


Rerun

Ferguson


Big day for me. I got fingerprinted today. It was part of my citizenship application . . .

What’s the name of that rehab center she went to in Malibu? Promises, it is called isn’t it? Broken Promises I think.

It seems to me that the swanky celebrity rehab doesn’t work as well as the just regular people rehab. Just my opinion.

Jimmy Kimmel


Lindsay Lohan was arrested this morning for arranging dog fights in her home.

Lindsay got her second DUI in two months today. When they took her in, they also found a small amount of cocaine on her, or in her, they didn’t specify. Her father says he feels partially responsible. He says the fighting between him and his ex-wife put a lot of pressure on Lindsay. Also — he sold her the coke.

What happened to the alcohol-monitoring bracelet she was wearing? I thought those things were accurate! They’re built by a Chinese toothpaste company.

This weekend President Bush was having five polyps removed. Initially he didn’t want to have them removed; he said they were doing a heck of a job. But doctors convinced him. They also found an impacted Scooter in the president’s Libby.

Friday Night, July 20

Jay Leno
I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom.

John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, it says sometimes he shampoos his hair and then skips the conditioner completely and goes commando.

In just a couple of weeks, the new movie “Underdog” comes out. It’s a dog with super powers that fights criminals. That’s gotta be Michael Vick’s worst nightmare.

People are mad about this Michael Vick thing. Today, Bob Barker called for Vick to be spayed and neutered.


David Letterman
Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.

Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair.

"Hairspray" opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.


Conan O'Brien
Tomorrow President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Lord Voldermort will be running the country.

A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.”

Yesterday, Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks.

Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.”


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight we celebrate our 900th show. All done, by the way, without the help of steroids.
Nine hundred seems enough. I’m thinking about opening a nail salon in Sacramento.

The final Harry Potter book came out. This is a quick glossary of some common terms: "Hogwarts” is the school they go to. A "muggle” is a person who doesn’t do magic. Like David Blaine.

Quidditch” is a magical lacrosse-like game. "Kucinich” is a magical elf who lives in a tree.

Thursday Night, July 19

Jay Leno
The Iraqi government has met eight, only eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. Eight. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has done. Can anyone name eight things Congress has done?

According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low — 14 percent of people approve of Congress. And that’s just the hookers who work for the D.C. madam.

Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate — it will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that!


David Letterman
Not too far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded. Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New Yorkers. Here’s what happened: A fat guy, he sees what’s going on, he gets undressed and takes a steam.

Right there in the middle of the street, there’s a 15-by-20-foot crater. Right in the middle of Lexington Avenue. But don’t worry; by tomorrow, it’ll have a Starbucks.

Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Things
10. Popcorn shrimp
9. Shark Week
8. Balm
7. Snake venom antidote
6. Tommy Lasorda
5. Telemundo
4. Cole slaw
3. Season one of "Magnum P.I." on DVD
2. Fudge
1. Jessica Biel


Conan O'Brien
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010!

A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.”

MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive.


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.

Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now; he’s been released from the Cleveland Children’s hospital.
He’s now back home resting comfortably in a hollow tree.

He must have eaten out of the wrong bird feeder . . . he is a vegan.

Wednesday Night, July 18

Jay Leno
Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.

Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out.
Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”

A report card of Iraq shows progress in only eight of 18 areas. Of course, President Bush is thrilled. That’s the best report card he ever got in his life.


David Letterman
Hurricane warning for New York City — whoa! Earlier today, workmen were busy boarding up Donald Trump’s hair.

We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water.

Last night in D.C. they had that all night Senate session. It was the D.C. madam’s slowest night ever.

It was an eventful busy session . . . Barack Obama dozed for 15 minutes and raised another 10 million.


Conan O'Brien
Last night the Senate held an all night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn’t begin with, "Where the hell have you been?”

President Bush announced a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It’s fun to work on a problem I didn’t cause.”

Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems.


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J.K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday in connection with some vicious dog fights that allegedly went on at a house he owned in Virginia. Some of these dogs were executed. Michael says he was just following Bob Barker’s lead trying to control the pet population.

Let’s not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him.

It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer’s Frozen Fruit as one of Oprah’s favorite things. I guess their names are so similar she thought she was supporting herself for president.

Tuesday Night, July 17

Jay Leno
Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure.

At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted he had been involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters. The working men and working girls of Louisiana.

He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech.

In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.


David Letterman
In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds.

Everyone in New York City has Harry Potter fever. Today a guy on the subway was showing off his wand.

How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver.
And a babysitter.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Titles Of My Recent Blog Entries
10. My big decision: hair plugs or hairpiece
9. A summary of today's hate mail
8. Fun places to take off your pants
7. 101 reasons why chocolate is better than men — am I right, ladies?
6. Ways to take down a gator
5. Tuesdays with Shecky 4. Rick, the creepy intern who won't stop staring at me
3. Are you there, God? It's me, Dave
2. Monkeys or kitties — which is cuter?
1. How is Scott Baio still single?!?!


Conan O'Brien
The U.S. Senate is planning on holding a session on Capitol Hill that’s going to last all night. All night session. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, "Hillary won’t be home until when?”

According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republican voters is "none of the above.” At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third just behind "Good Lord, not him.”

In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding.

It has been reported that Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend is a T-shirt designer. He’s the guy who designed the T-shirt, "I’m With Skanky.”


Ferguson
Rerun


Jimmy Kimmel
We are now seen in more than 13 cities nationwide. We are chewing through the South like a bucket of boll weevils.

David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England last week. She’s the former Spice Girl, he’s the famous soccer player. I guess we’re supposed to be excited about this, even though we don’t care about soccer or the Spice Girls.

The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250 million to sign him. They’re hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15 years no one will be watching soccer either.

Friday Night, July 13

Jay Leno
The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!

Here is another sex scandal. It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives, and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a guy named Bob Allen, has been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He also performed a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good ole days when during campaigns you only had to kiss babies?

According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a golf nut. She’s pretty good too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq.
Former President Bill Clinton about to publish a new book called "Giving.” "Giving.” Shouldn’t getting be the name of his new book?


David Letterman
It’s summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out to the water park to catch E. coli.

I love New York City in the summer time. Where else could you spend $25 on a sweat shirt?

Have you ever been to Spain, to Pamplona for the running of the bulls? New York City doesn’t really have anything like that, except that one time Donald Trump was out on Broadway being chased by Rosie O’Donnell.

The hookers on Times Square are offering a Friday the 13th special: For an extra 50 bucks, you’re guaranteed to get lucky.


Conan O'Brien
Pageant officials say that Miss New Jersey won’t be punished despite posing for embarrassing photos. Officials said living with the title Miss New Jersey is punishment enough.

This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burqas are in.

This week in Alaska, a man received four years' probation for illegally cutting off 100 seals’ penises. He got four years probation. His sentence would have been harsher, but the prosecution couldn’t find a seal brave enough to testify against him.


Ferguson
It’s Friday the 13th! If you’re a sexy teenager camping by a lake with other sexy teenagers, get out.

The guy in the hockey mask is not a goalie!

Webster’s announced the new words that are going to be in next year’s dictionary. One of them is ginormous. Ginormous! There’s not going to be a definition, just a picture. [Presents a picture of Jack Nicholson shirtless and overweight.]

Jack Nicholson . . . Do you know what I love about Jack? He’s old, he’s fat, and he doesn’t give a crap.


Jimmy Kimmel
It’s Friday the 13th. I hope you bought something nice for the machete-wielding killer in your life.

Another debate last night among Democratic candidates for president. Still only 479 days till the election, everybody. Get ready.

Just as the debate was rapping up, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton started talking, and I guess they didn’t realize their mikes were still on. Here’s what was said [Edwards’ voice dubbed in]: "Hey Hillary, you need to call Maurice of Beverly Hills. Look at my hair, so luxurious so full. Tell him John Edwards sent you.”

The president’s approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi.

Thursday Night, July 12

Jay Leno
Boy, there are a lot of sex scandals in the news this week. It's unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles has admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network . . . whose job it was to cover him. She was supposed to cover him. Talk about being an embedded reporter.

The darling of the religious right, conservative Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. Today that crazy astronaut called him "my dream guy. He's got my vote.”

Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only deal with gay issues. Like gay marriage and things like that. They are calling it the first ever all musical presidential debate.

John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he's ever had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut. Other than that . . . he has no issues.


David Letterman
Beautiful weather today. So beautiful, down in Washington D.C., that senator from Louisiana took a couple of hookers to the park.

David Vitter, I think that's his name, has admitted he dates hookers in Washington D.C. and in Louisiana. He said in his defense, he always selected the girls who made the lowest bid. So he’s fiscally prudent.

President Bush was talking about Iraq today, and he said the United States and Iraq have made eight of the 18 benchmarks required in Iraq. If things don’t improve, people are going to start to think the war’s not going well.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Reasons To Be Happy
10. Cookies
9. Pluto no longer a planet
8. The upcoming ABC sitcom featuring those hilarious Geico cavemen
7. Mojitos!
6. Thanks to technological advances, some LensCrafters can now make glasses in about 55 minutes
5. Tony and Anna are one step closer to getting together on "Days of Our Lives"
4. Only three more items left on this list
3. Bite-size popcorn chicken shakers, for a limited time only at Arby's
2. Discount Mexican Viagra
1. Jessica Biel


Conan O'Brien
In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can’t stop laughing.

Later this summer, the first ever gay debate will be held. Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Question No. 1: Why can’t healthcare be more fabulous?
Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he opposed medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did say he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine.


Ferguson
Ryan Seacrest admitted that he cried last weekend at Eva Longoria’s wedding. He cried when Eva Longoria married NBA star Tony Parker. Hang in there Ryan, someday you’ll find someone just like Tony.

People who are using the iPods are getting hit by lightning! It only happens when you listen to James Blunt.

Frankly, if you’re listening to that, you deserve it.


Jimmy Kimmel
It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive.

I guess everyone’s going to the movies to stay cool, because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams, I think.

Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself. That’s so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is.

Wednesday Night, July 11

Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs proposed building a wall between the earth and the sun.

It was so hot, I saw a dog licking an ice cube, then licking himself.

It was so hot our mayor was having sex with a reporter from an Alaskan TV station.

Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush’s popularity has now plunged to 2 percent B.C. You know what that means, B.C.? Below Carter. It doesn’t get any worse than that.


David Letterman
Here’s some good news: Subway crime is down. So apparently, the troop surge is working.

It’s been weeks since I’ve been ridiculed for the contents of my briefcase by subway punks.

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized.

The couple has all the pipe bombs they need, what they could really use is a fondue set.

Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters
10. "Can you tell I have drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
9. "How do you like my al-Qaida t-shirt?"
8. "Wanna see me drop my pants and fire a rocket?"
7. "I once lived across the street from Maury Povich"
6. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty . . ."
5. "If you were a woman, I bet you'd be pretty"
4. "Are you a cop?" 3. "Hi, I'm Shecky" 2. "Anyone watch 'Letterman' last night?"
1. "Mind if I call you mommy?"


Conan O'Brien
A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids.

Next month, the Democratic presidential candidates will host a debate focused entirely on gay issues. Apparently in the gay debate, when one candidate disagrees with another, they’re required to begin the rebuttal with, "Girlfriend, paaleese.”

Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.


Ferguson
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who’s marrying his long-time girlfriend. I have to say . . . Charlie Sheen has a long-time girlfriend?

What constitutes long time here? "Well, it’s past six . . . "

Of course, the big news is the new Harry Potter movie comes out today. I’ve seen it. Spoiler alert! Harry Potter comes out of the closet.


Jimmy Kimmel
Rerun

Tuesday Night, July 10

Jay Leno
Does anyone have one of these new iPhones? It’s part of the new revolution in electronic entertainment. They say in a few years you will be able to watch any TV show anytime, anywhere. In fact, they say one day it will be possible for viewers to ignore NBC 24 hours a day.

Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician.

John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters.

Did you hear what happened today with Mayor Villaraigosa? I guess he tried to give someone the key to the city but it didn’t work because his wife had the locks changed.


David Letterman
Hot and miserable here in New York City today. It was 93 and unbearable. Just like Regis.

There are prostitutes in Washington D.C. and it turns out that senators and congressmen and important and powerful people are dating the prostitutes. There’s a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, who admitted that he’s been dating prostitutes, and he was very generous with one girl. He paid her with a new highway project in her home state.
At least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone.

They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years.


Letterman's Top TenTop Ten Words You Couldn't Say On Television 20 Years Ago
10. Nutmeat
9. Manhole
8. Dicker
7. Niblet
6. Titmouse
5. Pussyfoot
4. Aer Lingus
3. Angina
2. Dick Butkus
1. Ballcock


Conan O'Brien
President Bush hosted a town meeting-style event in Cleveland. During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq and strategies for getting out of Cleveland.

The other day Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground, Arkansas. For old times sake she stopped by the governor’s mansion and tore the guy a new one.

The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds.”


Ferguson
There’s a new study that says women are attracted to men with muscles. Oh, wow. Those scientists just get smarter and smarter.

There’s a heatwave in L.A. and all across the country. Some say global warming, some say that other mysterious phenomenon — summer.

That Washington D.C. madam has revealed her client list. Surprise surprise — the list includes some politicians. I didn’t think that when the Washington D.C. madam released the list of her clients that there’d be any politicians on it!


Jimmy Kimmel
Tonight for the first time ever, we are on in the city of Atlanta. For the four and half years we’ve been on, we’ve never been on in Atlanta. Can you imagine the suffering these people have been through?

This is our 894th show. For Atlanta, let me try to catch you up on the 893.

Kids are getting their first view of Harry Potter’s new movie, "Harry Potter Burns in Hell.” In the end, Lord Voldermort kills Harry with a very vicious atomic wedgie.

Friday Night, June 29

Jay Leno
As I’m sure you know, President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the words "failed to pass."

It was voted down by the Senate. I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed a little testy today.

In fact, some illegal aliens are so angry, they’re threatening to leave the country.
They said the Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting this immigration bill. Ten thousand calls . . . all from Lou Dobbs.


Dave Letterman
Hot today in New York City. Tell me if you don’t think this is odd: The UPS guy, today, asked me if I’d put sun lotion on his legs.

If you have an oyster bar in your town, try this: Go to the oyster bar, sit down, order coffee, whatever you’re going to order, then when they’re not looking, fill your pants with shaved ice.

Ever been in a New York City cab? On a hot day like this, kind of a dilemma: Do you roll up the windows to keep the air conditioning in, or do you roll them down to air out the driver?


Conan O'Brien
Rerun


Ferguson
It’s been a crazy week. Paris Hilton went on "Larry King.” Out of habit, Larry asked her for a divorce.

The iPhone came out today. People were camping out all night in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really . . . oh come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy.

Two movies opened today, the cartoon "Ratatouille,” and Michael Moore’s "Sicko.” Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who’s obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is "Ratatouille.”


Kimmel
The iPhone comes out today. The summer release date coincides perfectly with the first day of pushing people in the pool with their phones in the pockets.

Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it.

Tuesday Night, June 19

Jay Leno
Do you know this is "Meet a New Mate Week?” Which is more bad news for Scooter Libby. Not looking good.

Speaking of criminals, North Carolina DA Mike Nifong, you know, that guy in the Duke lacrosse thing, has been disbarred. Now the DA just stands for dumb ass.

In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said that the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have it? We already have it! It’s called "Miami.”

You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Today, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius.

According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies.

The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles.

The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas.


Ferguson
Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship.

Not a great day for that wacky judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. He was crying, then acting crazy. He’s resigning. Look out Judge Judy — here comes "The Crying Judge.”

Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? The used to just dispense justice now they’re all crazy. There’s the crying judge in Florida, there’s the judge in D.C. who’s suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants . . . if I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants . . . But there were no dry cleaners involved.

Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court.


Kimmel
I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.

My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”

I threw his PlayStation in the pool. You have to teach kids.

Monday Night, June 18

Jay Leno
As I’m sure you know by now, a judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. Not the name you want to have going into prison.

I guess you heard, there’s a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they’re hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India.

Actually, two thirds of it have been fixed. Although the system that controls oxygen manufacture had been down for two days. And you know what happens when astronauts don’t get enough oxygen. They drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap other astronauts. You have to be very careful.

According to a new study 30 percent of Cubans are overweight. The other 70 percent are still in Cuba.


Dave Letterman
Rerun


Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is "Renegade.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service code name, "Ballbuster.”

Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200 mile campaign trip in Iowa. Brownback said, "I’m not going to stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.”
Bob Barker retired last Friday. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of "The Price Is Right.” If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, "Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.”

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?


Ferguson
Not such a great day for the international space station. All the space station’s computers crashed. It must be terrifying for these astronauts. No way to download porn.

The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together . . . does this sound familiar?!?

Here in America we’re safe from rabbits. We have Elmer Fudd to protect us [picture of Dick Cheney].


Kimmel
Rerun